Dear Plow and Hearth catalogue,
What a pleasure to set down my plow, and curl up by the
hearth this afternoon to page through your fall catalogue. Now that I have
tossed it into my Classic Wooden Hearth Bucket with the rest of the lavender-scented
kindling, I had to send you my thanks.
I’m aglow, just like my incredibly well tended fireside, at
the way you’ve anticipated my need for Fireplace Bellows, Wellingtons that take
me “from garden to grocery store” (the only two locations I am aware of) and—the
piece that truly captures the rustically absurd comforts of my home, the Space-Saving
Canoe Shelf. Until today, I have saved space by simply not having indoor
canoes, but I love your fresh ideas!
Yet it’s a much humbler product that captured my heart this
season: fake boulders. Or as you’ve impishly named them, Mock Rocks. No more
will I lie awake in my solid oak, four poster bed, burning with shame at the
thought of “pipes, meters, stumps and bare spots” in our yard, nakedly exposed as if no one had even thought to put a
pretend stone over these obscenities.
Never again will I pass by a “boulder” on someone else’s lawn
and mistake it for simple geologic reality—no. I’ll see it for the sly, yet
sophisticated decoy it really is, covering up some unspeakable foulness like
maybe a bunch of really lame-looking actual rocks.
But if I may point out a missed opportunity: Mock Rocks are not
simply a chance to to “camouflage a variety of challenges” but to actually hide
oneself from challenges. Your Extra
Large Mock Rock in Brown is just two discreetly placed eyeholes and a beverage
holder away from being my new favorite get-away (except the hearth, obviously).
How cozily I could snuggle there in my Reversible Juliet Quilt, secure in the
knowledge that I am providing “visual contrast to beds and borders” while
remaining completely invisible to my family!
To throw them off my scent, I have only to set the Laptop
Rabbit lawn ornament out in front of my hideaway. Because (as you clearly know)
my children no longer know the difference between my face and the back of an
Mac PowerBook, they are unlikely to realize that this cute bespectacled rabbit
is not their real mother!
But I leave the details to you, and eagerly await your
spring catalogue. Back to turning my compost, or maybe just rotating the
selection of tasty holiday nutmeats in my Snack Carousel…
Kris
