As my free gift to the reality television empire, here is my
concept for a quick-fire cooking challenge to replicate the actual experience of cooking with
children. There are plenty of books out there for parents trying to cook, and
plenty of celebrity chefs who are (allegedly) parents. Jamie Oliver has three
children, but these dear little sprouts are not in evidence while their dad
whips up “dead simple” meals in the rustic kitchenette he’s set up on a piece
of plywood in his garden shed, or flings fresh produce into his backyard,
wood-fired brick oven.
That’s all very clever, Mr. Oliver, but I’ll be impressed
when I see you toss together a healthy and attractively plated meal while breaking up a screaming fight
between your off-spring.
So here it is-- my own DIY Quick Fire with the Kids. Mr. Oliver, please feel free to sign
up. It’s dead easy!
My simple and
completely fair rules:
Rule 1. You have thirty minutes to prepare dinner for two
adults and two children who are between the ages of 10 months and five years. You can cook anything you want, spend as
much as you like, and shop for as long as you need in advance of the challenge.
Sound easy?
Hold on—in order to recreate the cooking-with-kids experience as I know
it, I have added a couple of twists:
Rule 2. All prep work, including locating kitchen tools and ingredients
and all washing, slicing, peeling, dicing and mincing of produce, is included
in the thirty minutes. So much for those lovely morels requiring thirty minutes
with a mushroom brush, Mr. Oliver! And Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld, you can take all
your pre-made vegetable purees and exit right the sound stage now. Gwenyth, you
haven’t broken any rules but I’d like to disqualify you right now for smugness
all the same, and Nigella—your prose is embarrassing, so pack your knives and
go, my darling!
Whew, I’m feeling better already.
Rule 3. These will not be thirty consecutive minutes. During
your 30-minute Quick Fire, you will be interrupted four times, at random, and
the length of the interruptions will vary from 1-8 minutes. At the start of each interruption you
will be allowed three seconds to turn off any heating elements, but otherwise,
you must cease all cooking activities until the buzzer indicates your
interruption is over. Oh, and if you need to wash your hands after dealing with said interruption, that comes out of your thirty minutes...
Rule 4. The two aforementioned kids will be in the kitchen with
you throughout the cooking process and you
alone will be taking care of them. You may have a partner record the proceedings but under no
circumstances, including triggered smoke detectors, may this person step in to
assist you. Note: the presence of children does not, in itself, constitute an
interruption. You must cook
over, under, around and through your Little Helpers.
Judges' Table
If you are able to bring food to the table at the end of
your thirty minutes, you will remain entered as a contestant and advance to the
judges’ table. Congratulations! Here, your final score will be tallied according
to the number of bites eaten by each child. One bite-- swallowed-- equals one point.
Anyone with a score over seven may contact me with their recipes.* Now go have fun cleaning up!
*Not
really.
