Oh, the conference swag!

What do Kate Spade and Northrup Grumman have in common? Absolutely positively nothing except that both companies give away BAGS to attendees at events that you and I will never be invited to. But I’ve got a connection, and a whole lotta swanky Tyvek totes from defense contractors to carry my Whole Foods purchases (DON'T BLINK or you'll miss the locally-made goat cheeses!). Scott just came home with a suitcase full of conference swag and it’s all very glam, in a military-industrial-complex sort of way.

While you won’t find a bottle of Calvin Klein’s latest scent in your grey-black camouflaged tote from NG, you might get a cool little wind-up robot, or a rubber duck in snorkel-gear (Navy SEAL duck? No clue). Or a coy little camo cosmetics bag that will allow you to freshen up on the go without giving up your location (in the Stop ‘N Shop parking lot).

Leafing through the magazines that came with all this kit, I couldn’t help noticing how compelling-- how riveting-- the language is in advertisements for tanks and M-16 scope mounts and robotic arms. I think the makers of baby and kid gear could take some lessons. Seriously: throw down some vocab that will speak to the parents of small children. Make me believe that my very survival depends on your product. I give you just a few example from the spring issue of Defense Standard:

Mission Assurance Delivered. I don’t know where we’re going or why, but I will buy anything if you tell me that we’re on a Mission, and that Assurance is going to be Delivered. Just saying that makes me feel like things are under control.

They Don’t See Us. But We See Them. Protection Without Detection. This isn’t baby monitoring; this is full-on infant surveillance. Plug in this sucker and you will not only be able to see and hear your child, you will also be able to plot his next move.

Enhanced Situational Awareness. Now available in fingertip-sized brain implant. What every mother of a preschooler on the playground needs.

Power... Speed...Agility...Stability...Protection...Endurance... OMG, I would totally buy that diaper bag!!!!