For the past several weeks I’ve been on a mission to “rebalance” as we say and add significantly more writing and paid work to my life, while remaining the primary care-giver in our household. Not surprisingly, I’ve found this a challenge and I’ve got a few things to say. Ready? Here we go:
I take issue with the idea, supported by a surprising number of people, that it’s possible to work and take care of small children simultaneously. My guess is that the people who say this have either a) never worked or b) never taken care of a small child. Yes, you can try to work while your children wail and do everything in their power to get your attention (Calvin finds that biting the inside of my thigh is particularly effective) but I challenge you to do anything worthwhile-- writing, for example-- under such conditions. Distracted does not begin to describe it.
And still some will argue that children can be taught to sit contentedly, reading or teaching themselves multiplication tables while the parent works. To be fair, these people are often the mothers of newborns so they have, technically, taken care of a small child. One who sleeps 90% of the day and can’t rise to a sitting position much less climb to the top of a bookcase. I find that these women tend to have a tenacious grip on their notions of work-life balance. They are like kayakers paddling down a placid river, afraid that the great roaring they hear around the bend might be a bit more of a drop than they expected.
It’s Niagra Falls, but don’t try to tell them that.
Soon, they too will understand why recordings of crying babies have been used as an interrogation tactic on political prisoners. There is a part of our brain whose biological function is to react to the sound of an unhappy child. Numbing that part of your psyche is possible but it comes at a price. As far as your state of mind, the overall quality of your thoughts, you are like a person who is trying to speak after receiving a shot of novocaine. You may be intelligible, but the drool and rubbery flapping of your lips will detract from your air of professionalism.
Which is all to say, I have come to the decision that we’re going to put both kids in part-time care, while I build up more work and that this is a good thing for them and for me. It ain’t cheap. But neither is the alternative, if you think about it in terms of the hourly cost of psychotherapy. I love love love LOVE my children and am prepared to lie down in front of enemy tanks or fist-fight with grizzly bears to protect them-- not to get histrionic on you-- but I have faith that this is the best plan for us all. I want them to have the best of me, when I'm with them and I can't stretch that kind of single focus over the whole week without getting a bit brittle.
Check back with me in a few weeks and I'll report on how UNBELIEVABLY successful I am at transforming the balance of work and mothering! Or whatever.
5 comments:
Your Dad and I used to brag that WE were not going to allow children to change OUR lives....we could keep on hiking, skiing and biking, blah, blah, blah, and you would just come with us. I have memories of hiking with you in the rain when you were only 2 months old, tucked way way down in the Gerry pack and covered with rain gear; and wondering just what on earth I was doing, and what did it prove?? Would you get sick? And those awful attempts to make you ride in a Norwegian pulk behind us while we went skiing....Guess what? You didn't like it!! You screamed in protest! So much for our naive ideas about what you can do with kids without considering them.
I hope your plan works out well, and you get to keep your work skills polished and your children will always know that you do have a professional identity. Better to be really "with" them when you are, not always trying to push them away so you can "get things done," the way I did, and which I now regret. And that was just housework!
I hear ya, sister. Oh how I hear ya. (And your mom too! I am so tired of the "you can take a baby anywhere, it should have no impact on your life!" claptrap.)
Moms who have a 4 day work week plus day 5 telecommuting from home tell me they don't actually work with their kid around -- they just squeeze it in before baby wakes, while baby naps, and after baby goes to bed.
Keep us posted ... good luck!
At the moment, Regina is getting in about 20 hours of work a week by sending Gregory to a babysitter for four hours four mornings a week, and by convincing Gregory to "rest" for an hour in his room each afternoon. (Who knows how long that will continue to work!?) But it is expensive, and we're at a loss to figure out how to add some childcare for Lil' Sister when she arrives.
I think you're making the only sane decision. Good luck!
There is no such thing as "work" getting done in the way that most adults understand it when there are small children around. The best I can do is shamefully park Saoirse in front of the TV for 1/2 hour on those supposedly "off" days in my part-time schedule when (invariably) something absolutely must get addressed -- and (as I think I mentioned) that only works 50% or less of the time (I can't count the number of conference calls I've had where S has been heard screaming in the background). So absolutely the day care (or something) is a necessity if you are going to get real, thinking work done (or even non-thinking work -- laptops are way too interesting to tap on without attracting little hands and little people to your lap).
Good luck! I think it is worth it, even if it is always imperfect and sometimes aggravating -- and eventually you grow totally immune to being embarrassed about the chinks in the professional facade (I had a friend who was in court several hours before she realized that her foot was aching because there was a little toy in her shoe -- I always picture her taking it out in front of the judge, although I don't think that actually happened!).
I have friends who initially started their daughter part-time at daycare as a way for the mom (who is a kick-ass poet) to get some writing done. It wound up being a fantastic choice for their daughter, too -- she learned how to socialize better, gained confidence, was introduced to a lot of new experiences, etc. They said that even if the writing time were no longer needed, they wouldn't have taken her out. (She's nearly 8 now and an awesome kid.)
In other words, there may be benefits for Audrey and Calvin even beyond your ability to be fully present with them. :)
Post a Comment